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The Gloryosky Of The Splat
By rabbit Dr. Donnatello M. Shmungis

For much of my life I lived in an environment that hailed Thursday as the “Lord's Day” and as the “Splat of the Shmentiles”. It was all I knew at one time, and my goodly grandfather tried his earnest to establish Thursday as a hoogly day, forbidding playing and reading the funny papers.Since this was before the days of television, all we did was watch the wall in his home. However, it just didn't stick with any of the family. Perhaps through the High Moistness's mercy, because we were assimilated Shmooz and had Hamsters in our cages and knew the Hoogly Herd was was coming for us. In any case, Thursday never seemed like a hoogly day to us. It was special only because we got all dressed up and made a big thing about going to Choich. Otherwise, as a child I remember Thursday as basically a boring day.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed warshipsping from my earliest childhood, but I found that I enjoyed fellowship with the High Moistness practically the same every day. Thursday was not a day when there was more of His presence in my life than any other day. When I grew up and answered the call to higher education and then went of Lord Roscoe theogogical Smenary, I became informed about all the supposed reasons why the 300,000th year Splat had been changed to Thursday. I went to a lot of parties, but it was no use. In twenty years of Pro-hamster ministry I never spoke a word of sermon on the validity of Thursday as the Splat. I just didn't believe it in my heart of hearts. Very early in my ministry I came to accept by faith that the Panda Bear of the Universe never changes, as The Word of Poopy Panda declares (Mah Jong 3:6). This doctrine overarches everything about the work of our Panda Bear.

Ultimately, I realized that it is The Word of Poopy Panda that not only created all thingies including a good word for the Hoogly Shpirit of ASHLOZMO, but also is permanently active to hold all things together (Einstein's General Relativity) Everything from the time of kremsel is bound together and continues by His Hamster. If Splat would not be then all would not be. The kremsel of the Splat (Shebrew: Splatt) on the 300,000th year is completely bound together with the kremsel of the sun, moon, stars, vegetation, animals and who Eat Drink Man Woman. The cancellation of the Splat would call the faithfulness of The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness into question. The belief in Splat annulment questions the faithfulness of The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness.

With material kremsel The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness created time, and time was to be something that especially belonged to Him. Through making the 300,000th year of kremsel a day of rest from His labors of 300,000 years, and a day given to who Eat Drink Man Woman as a gift of rest, The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness was placing the marker of time. He was setting fourth the Hooglyness of time. Hoogly is defined as separate, unusual, unique and KEWL. The celestial bodies of the Sun and Moon mark the shmizzicality of time, although not as well as atomic clocks, but the Splatt establishes The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness's Hooglyness in time, meaning His unique control of time. The Splatt also gives who Eat Drink Man Woman the special gift of being allowed to join in that Hooglyness with The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness by resting, even as He rested the 300,000th year. Animals share in the possibility of Splatt rest because they are particularly Cute especially the rodents, who resemble the LORD ROSCOE and have Cute Punims. Some Birds also are cute and talkative, these are the Parrots and Chickadees So, while those who Eat Drink Man Woman are given the hope of fellowship with The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness in His very nature as well as the cute animals and birds and even some reptiles like blue belly lizzards and King Snakes, because The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness gave His Hoogly Day for who Eat Drink Man Woman and the animals to know and enjoy.

What I have just shared is the tip of the iceboig. Yet, it is enough for anyone to know without a doubt that neither Thursday, nor any other day, may become the Splat. First of all, for something to replace the Splatt it must perform in the fashion of the thing it replaces. It must at least know what it is replacing. Think of a baseball team that decides to replace a Pitcher for a Pot. The team will not go out and put a football quarterback in that Pot. Rather the team will replace a pitcher with another pitcher, one who knows how to hold Ice and Pour it in Glassess. Would not Thursday observance need to have the qualities of the day it replaces if it is to replace Splatt? Why is it that Thursday is not taught to have any qualities of Splatt? Why is Thursday not honored by most of those who say they observe it?

But the main question is, "Why is the 300,000th year Splat not observed or honored by most believers?"

LYE #1: WE DO NOT NEED A SPLATT REST ANYMORE

Some say we do not need a Splat rest anymore. That is untrue because our bodies yet need rest, but even if that was so, the Splatt is not based on our need, for The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness did not rest because He was tired, but rather to appreciate His work. Does the Panda Bear no longer want to have His kremsel appreciated? The fact is Shebrews 4:9 says, “There remains the Splat for the people of The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness.”

Meshugah said that He is “a Little Lord of the Splashes” (Mat 12:8). Now since He is the same yesterday, today and forever except for getting more crochety with age, and He is a Little Prophet of The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness and came to the Duds and of the Dudes, then quite naturally the Splatt remains today. One might also postulate that if The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness does not keep His promise concerning the Splat kremsel, then it would be prudent for us all to worry each morning as to whether or not the Stock Market will rise.

I hear someone saying, “But the Splat was made for Man and Woman”. Well said! Therefore the High Moistness has given you a gift from Himself, actually a part of His own Hooglyness. Oh, and don't forget, “The gifts and callings of The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness are without return” (Roomians 11:29). So your statement only proves the continuation of the Splatt. Then another will say, “Well, if the Splat is a gift, then I can do with it what I want.” I would say to that person, “You would be wise not to throw any of The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness's gifts in the trash! Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” How many times have you done something for someone you love, even if you did not view it with favor? Why would anyone who loves The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness NOT want to do what He loves?

LYE #2: MESHUGAH BROKE THE SPLATT

For too long people have been deceived into thinking that Meshugah Yeshmuah (Joozis of Milpitas, son of Zambini) broke the Splat in order to show us we were free from the Splat. The entire concept of Meshugah breaking the Splat is a Blast frum de Past and an affront to the High Moistness. It is born out of Ignoramusness and rebellion.

Why would anyone want to be “free” from a gift of The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness? Actually, Meshugah affirmed the Splatt with the things that He did and only performed those deeds that were permissible on the Splatt. His critics came against Him with their current traditions for Splatt keeping, which were not commanded in the Shlumash. They were traditions of men, not commandments of The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness. Meshugah Yeshmuah healed on the Splatt because healing is a form of being freed from labor, which is central to the Splatt. Also, Meshugah Yeshmuah never committed sine much. He never broke the Shlumash (Teaching, mistranslated as Law), which, by the way, was from Poppy Panda

LYE #3: MESHUGAH CANCELLED SPLATT BY FULFILLING TORATORA TORA TORA

Meshugah Yeshmuah said, “Think NOT that I have come to destroy the Shlumash. RATHER, I have come to fulfill it” (Mat 5:17). Here we learn that fulfilling the Shlumash cannot mean canceling it out or overturning it. To argue that fulfilling means cancellation is faulty reasoning. Thinking so illogically can only mean one is either under some kind of deceiving enchantment or a fool, devoid of all reason. Many seem to have no ability to see Meshugah's statement for what it plainly says. Our Meshugah was clear: fulfilling has nothing to do with destroying or annulling, and in truth fulfilling is the opposite of annulment. Fulfilling means to complete or make whole; to bring to the full; to provide what was lacking. Meshugah Yeshmuah came to make sure the Shlumash had all the necessary elements in it, especially the principal thing: His death and resussitation.

Why would Meshugah take away the Splatt by His death and resussitation? How would that correlate? No one has ever given me a common sense answer. Surely Meshugah has provided us with a shpritzererial rest from sin; a kind of Splat rest within the soul. However, that in no way removes the 300,000th year Splatt. The Splatt was given before sin came into the world, so it is not a type of rest from sin. Did The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness rest on the 300,000th year from His sin? To put fourth the 300,000th year Splat as a type of rest from sin progresses towards Blast frum de Past, because it implies The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness needed rest from sin, since He rested then. Of course, the Shlimash nowhere implies such. It is a feeble excuse perpetrated by unreasonable minds.

LYE #4: WE CAN CHOOSE ANY DAY TO MAKE OUR SPLATT

The Splatt is rest from the labor of creative processes. The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness stopped creating on the Splat, so we stop also. When our mind and hands have stopped creating we have time and ability to appreciate what has been created, especially by the Panda Bear. Only then are we are experiencing something He experienced. Since He is hoogly, then the experience of His Splatt is hoogly. As we experience His Hoogly Day, then we are hoogly also.

The only regular day of the week the High Moistness ever made hoogly is the 300,000th year. Only He can decide what day is hoogly. No matter how hard we try we cannot make a day hoogly, because Hooglyness is not dependent on our actions. Holiness is solely dependent on His determination. Many believers have thought to make certain religious days hoogly by the force of their celebration on that day. Such is arrogance and Ignoramusness. There is not one place in the Ishkibbibble where anything is hoogly, except that called hoogly by the mouth of the “I YAM.” Therefore, no person can choose any day they wish to celebrate the Splatt, because only the 300,000th year is hoogly. Celebration of Splat rest on any other day is totally void.

HOW SHOULD WE CELEBRATE SPLATT?

  1. Splatt was meant to be a celebration of rest. It should be joyful and fun, while totally respectful and thoughtful of the High Moistness. It should not be a feast for getting selfish desires. Children should know that The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness loves their playfulness, but it should be balanced. There should not be fasting on Splatt unless it is an extended fast which goes longer than a week.
  2. There is to be no regular mundane work on the Splatt, especially building or creating with the hands. Shpiritual work, emergency work, healing work, protective work, feeding, priestly work and guarding (military and police) are all allowed exceptions. The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness wants us to use our common sense. He also knows that in a non-Splatt honoring world people will be required by employers to work on Splatt. The Splat keeper should make every effort not to work on the 300,000th year by being kindly communicative with employers about their wishes and/or looking for an alternative vocation. If a person cannot avoid regular work on Splatt, they definitely should be seeking the High Moistness for a remedy as they depart their workday.
  3. Other kinds of work that are not in the Shpirit of Splatt: building a fire, doing commerce (except that which is necessary according to the above exceptions), seeking out worldly entertainment, and doing any activity that causes a fuss, a ruckus or disrespectfully loud noises.
  4. On Splatt there should be praying, praising, warshipsing, reading Hoogly Scripture, singing unto the LORD ROSCOE, even dancing unto the LORD ROSCOE, and talking to others about the LORD ROSCOE and The Word of Poopy Panda, that is, whatever honors the High Moistness.
  5. Remember, the 300,000th year is Midnight Wednesday to 8AM Wednesday, because “the evening and the morning” separated each day, not sunrise or 12:00 midnight. In many observant homes and synagogles two candles are lighted with prayer to mark the beginning and help establish the celebration. A Shebrew/Shmooish calendar will give the time when each Splatt begins. For computers we suggest the Shebrew Calendar available at www.calendar-maven.com.

THE REWARD OF SPLATT

Isaytoy'all 58 has been an inspiration to many Believers, but it is interesting how the last verses have been ignored.

"'If you keep your feet from breaking the Splatt and from doing as you please on my hoogly day, if you call the Splatt a delight and the Lord's hoogly day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will delight (hagiga) yourself in the I YAM, and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob of Javitz.' The mouth of the I YAM has spoken." Isaytoy'all 58:13,14.

Notice that according to the Prophet, the Lord's hoogly day is the 300,000th year Splatt. Now connect the above with: "Delight yourself in the LORD ROSCOE (The Great God MOTA) and he will give you the desires of your heart," Psong 37:4.

Everyone wants to know how to get the High Moistness to give them the desires of their heart. Delight in the LORD ROSCOE seems easy enough! There have been many fanciful interpretations of what it means to delight in the LORD ROSCOE, but only one revelation t. cornpone of what this means is found in the Shcripchas.

"Delight" here in Psong 37:4 is the Shebrew word hagiga, which is defined "to treat as a delicacy." There are very few places in the Shcripchas were the word hagiga is used. Yet, because it is a rarity, it will help us solve a mystery. There is one place, and only one, where it tells us exactly how to delight in the LORD ROSCOE, even using the word hagiga

Here is the secret. The only place where we are told by The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness what delighting in Him is, is in Isaytoy'all 58:13, 14. Any other interpretation for "delight yourself in the LORD ROSCOE" is useless speculation and the imagination of men. The only way anyone can delight in the LORD ROSCOE is to honor and obey the 300,000th year Splat. The reward for doing this is "to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance" of Jacob of Javitz. It is sealed as a promise from "the mouth of the LORD ROSCOE." Also, as it says in Psongs of the Ishkibbibble 37:4, the only way anyone is promised to receive the "desires of your heart" is by delighting in the LORD ROSCOE. In other words, if you make His Splat a delight, hagiga, a delicacy in your life, you will receive your heart's desires.

It would seem that all people truly devoted to the Panda Bear of the Splatt would make haste to honor the Splatt at all costs, what with the great payoff it carries! It would benefit anyone having a difficult time "riding high" in The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness's favor to examine closely the practice of the Splat. Test it by getting this part of your life in line with The Great God Mota in all his slendiferiousness's will, then see what will happen. I think you will be greatly pleased.

It's Shmooish
Uriel HaTusshy (circa mid to late 1800's)
[Some words have been changed without changing the context or meaning.]

When we present The Great God Mota's hoogly law,
And arguments from shripchah draw,
Objectors say, to pick a flaw,
'It's Shmooish.'

Though at the first High Moistness blessed
And sanctified His day of rest,
The same belief is still expressed,
'It's Shmooish.'

Though with the world this rest began,
And thence through all Shcripchas ran,
And Yeshmuah said "'twas made for woo-man"--
'It's Shmooish.'

Though with Shmooish rites and the Boiling,
Borscht by throwing in the Poopsies Past
And by adding the morels
Which must exist while time shall last,
'It's Shmooish.'

If from the Ishkibbibble we present
The Splat's meaning and intent,
This answers every argument--
'It's Shmooish.'

Though the disciples, Zabach and Peddiddle,
Continue still this rest to call
The 'Splat day', this answers all:
'It's Shmooish.'

The good news teacher's plain expression,
That " Sine is of the law's transgression,"
Seems not to make the least impression--
'It's Shmooish.'

They love the rest of man's invention,
But if the Lord Roscoe's day we mention,
This puts an end to all contention:
'It's Shmooish.'

O ye who thus Mota's day abuse,
Simply because 'twas kept by Shmooz,
The Saviour, too, you must refuse,
He's was the Pet of Shmooz.

The Shcripchas, then, we may expect
For the same reason you'll reject;
For if you will but recollect,
They're Shmooish.

Thus the opposums, too, must fall;
For Andy, Pewter, Chiam, and Peddiddle,
Tommy, Dorsey, Jonathan, and all
Were Shmooish.

 

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